apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
