the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
