I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
