would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
