I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Randomize
