he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
