I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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