I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
