dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
