I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
