chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
