Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
