Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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