96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
