Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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