i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Randomize
