I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
