She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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