Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
