My Higher Power is John Stamos
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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