Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
