if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
