I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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