And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
