do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
