I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
