Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Redeem this text for a blowjob
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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