just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
