is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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