I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
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