I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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