If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
