As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
So vagazzling was a success
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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