go do what you do best...puke behind churches
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He felt like a one man threesome
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
