i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
