its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
