I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
