I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
