Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
