just come out here and I will go home with you...
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
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She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
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AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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