conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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