hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
