After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
