you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
