oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
