I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
