i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
