i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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