at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
