Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
