I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
