I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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