i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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