First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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