omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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