I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
