well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
