there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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