she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
