Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Porn is love you can see.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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