apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
