she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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