May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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