A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
