I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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