Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I forget how to act sober
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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