Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
