FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.