I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
