Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My ass is underappreciated
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
